What You Think of Me

We've been exploring many different aspects of feedback this semester: validating vs. praising vs. encouraging, highlighting talent vs. effort, considering how certain feedback may make us feel (and whether that encourages a fixed mindset or a growth mindset), and remembering to keep the singing separate from the singer. 

All of this seems to bring up another significant question: Why should I care what someone else thinks about my singing? I mean, isn't the whole point for us to develop our individual voices based on what we believe feels and sounds the best to each of us? If that's true, why do other people's opinions matter? How much should they influence our decisions about what we do with our own voices? 

This is an important question to entertain. I suppose we could consider two extremes. On one side, you could be so desperate for validation and guidance that you cognitively check out and just wait to be told what to do so you can blindly follow that advice. It's one thing to put trust in your mentors, but it's another thing to give them all the deciding power, replacing their preferences for your own. This can also create problems when you receive conflicting information and aren't sure which guidance you should follow. 

On the other side, you can be so dug in on your own perspectives that you can become closed off to potentially useful ideas. I had a mentor once encourage me to adopt an attitude of, "What you think of me is none of my business." Meaning, you can offer me advice, if you'd like, but I'm going to make my own decisions. Or, as Billy Joel says, "You can speak your mind, but not on my time." Self-confidence and clear goals are generally positive attributes, but they can also keep us myopic in our view and shut us off to effective advice.

Like most things in life, the ideal balance is probably somewhere in between the two extremes. I had a lesson with a student once who was experiencing "feedback fatigue" and feeling confused due to all the different perspectives and opinions he was getting on his performances (I believe this was in the lead-up to Senior Showcase). Different professors, friends, and family members all had thoughts about which skills he should be highlighting in his set and he wasn't sure which route to go. I reminded him that, despite all the perspectives, it was ultimately his decision. I even offered the "What you think of me is none of my business" advice I had received. He responded, "OK, but what about during an audition when what someone else thinks of me is the difference between getting the job and not getting it?" 

Yeah, OK. I see your point. 

Maybe we need some some tactics to help keep you from gravitating to one of the extremes if (when) you get to your own point of "feedback fatigue." First, you can ask yourself: Is the person doling out the advice "in the arena"? That's a phrase I borrowed from author and professor Brené Brown. Someone who is in the arena is actively engaged in the work, putting themselves out there, and opening themselves up to feedback (be it praise or ridicule). If someone is not doing that—being vulnerable with their creative work—they really have no room to give you advice when you're being vulnerable with yours. 

Second, is the final goal you are trying to achieve actually knowable? In the case of an audition, the knowable goal would seem to be landing the role. The unknowable part is what exactly the panel is looking for that will cause them to put you in the role instead of someone else. So consider whether the feedback you are receiving is actually aimed at achieving a knowable goal or trying to work too specifically toward an unknowable goal. 

Third, does the feedback you're receiving allow for your perspectives, goals, and desires? Actually, does the advice prioritize your perspectives, goals, and desires? Additionally, does it allow you to feel like you are bringing more of yourself to the work or does it make you feel like you're trying to be what someone else wants you to be? 

Of course, our thoughts and perspectives change over time. So, part of our job is to continually seek to know more about the field (study, listen, engage, practice, observe, reflect). The other part of our job is to continually explore and develop who we are, what we value, and what you want from life, as well as what you want from your career. The process, unsurprisingly, is largely the same: study, listen, engage, practice, observe, reflect. More on that in the final blog of the school year. 

As we near the end of the semester, consider using these questions to help you process feedback about performances, callbacks, or post-graduation next steps. 

Now go practice.